


Love hurts

by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)



Series: How to woo your local barista [32]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Human, Barista Raphael, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Demisexual Raphael Santiago, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Fight, Homoromantic Raphael Santiago, M/M, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Pet Names, Reconciliation, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9288152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/mckvch
Summary: He glanced across the room to the small table in the nook of the kitchen where one chair was currently occupied by his boyfriend who had his own assortment of learning material neatly piled up on the part of the table where he was currently writing something down.Simon barely managed to suppress the sigh that was trying to crawl out of the back of his throat. He had been so happy when Raphael had decided on getting his GED and when the application for evening school had gone through pretty quickly. It was the middle of March now and his lover was visiting the evening school for about three weeks now and he had seemed to enjoy it at first but, of course, the stress of juggling it together with his job in the coffee shop had quickly caught up to him. Raphael was stubborn and had refused to cut back on the hours he worked in the café. So now he spent the evening of every weekday at school and five days of the week working in the coffee shop, the rest of the time mostly consisted of learning because he had to get back into the material which took a little more effort in the beginning.





	1. Chapter 1

Simon squinted at the screen of his laptop, trying to re-focus on the damn essay he needed to finish until the end of next week but he couldn't concentrate on it for the life of him. He was curled up on the bed, laptop on his lap and some writing material was thrown all around himself on the mattress. He had most of the information jotted down already and only had to turn it into a proper text so the hardest part was already done but it felt impossible to really get into the work.

He glanced across the room to the small table in the nook of the kitchen where one chair was currently occupied by his boyfriend who had his own assortment of learning material neatly piled up on the part of the table where he was currently writing something down.

Simon barely managed to suppress the sigh that was trying to crawl out of the back of his throat. He had been so happy when Raphael had decided on getting his GED and when the application for evening school had gone through pretty quickly. It was the middle of March now and his lover was visiting the evening school for about three weeks now and he had seemed to enjoy it at first but, of course, the stress of juggling it together with his job in the coffee shop had quickly caught up to him. Raphael was stubborn and had refused to cut back on the hours he worked in the café. So now he spent the evening of every weekday at school and five days of the week working in the coffee shop, the rest of the time mostly consisted of learning because he had to get back into the material which took a little more effort in the beginning.

Simon had known that this couldn't go well for long but a little over two weeks into this new schedule and he could already tell that his boyfriend was biting off more than he could chew, no matter how stubborn he might be. And it wasn't just the fact that they hadn't really spent any proper time together lately that was getting to Simon but mostly the fact that his boyfriend was visibly exhausted and still kept on pushing forward. He didn't take a break when he got visibly tired, he kept on learning and trying to cram as much information into his head as possible and Simon knew this would end in a disaster. He had tried this method when he began his studies and it had resulted in some kind of mental breakdown and almost a whole week of being unable to get out of bed because his body had simply shut down.

So, logically, now he was scared that Raphael would end up in the same situation by pushing himself too far and Simon simply didn't know how to intervene. He had tried to get the other to slow down, take a few small breaks or to at least sit down with him and help, to lighten the stress a little bit but Raphael was one of the people who could learn better when they were in their own little bubble, solely focusing on the work at hand.

"Hey, I could use a break. Why not make one together and watch a movie or maybe cook something? Are you hungry?" He pushed his laptop off his lap and placed it on the messy bed to get up stretching his limbs while waiting for a reply that only came when he prompted his lover by calling his name again.

"No, not hungry," was the younger boy's absent mumble and he got right back to jotting something down, causing Simon to sigh and frown at the other. He knew Raphael probably hadn't eaten much through ought the day and it was almost midnight already. Tomorrow was Sunday and they both had the day off but he already knew there was probably only a lot more studying and no real time for _them_. The thought tugged at his heart and despite being proud of Raphael for doing all this, he was also worried about the other's health and mental well-being if he kept pushing himself like this.

"Come on, how about I cook something and you take a break with me then to at least eat something?" He tried again, with a more pleading and hopeful tone, but Raphael only made a dismissive gesture while focusing on his school work. Simon was honestly getting a little bit frustrated with the situation. He would have understood if this was how the first week or two went because the other had to get used to learning again but it the fourth week was starting it didn't exactly seem like Raphael had any intention to change anything about his work ethic.

Simon had expected the other to take it seriously but not _that_ seriously. He shuffled into the small kitchen area anyway and started to just make some noodles with a sauce to heat up because Raphael was the one who knew his way around the kitchen quite a bit better and he didn't feel like spend hours at the stove in the middle of the night anyway.

When the noodles were done and Simon asked his boyfriend to clear the table so they could eat, Raphael mumbled something about not being hungry again and asked if Simon couldn't eat elsewhere because he wasn't finished learning so it would be disruptive if the other sat down to eat here.

"Seriously? Why can't you at least take a break or stop for today? It's past midnight already. You spent the morning working, only came home to shower and then left for school. Now you have been spending the time since coming home learning and I'm sure you probably barely ate anything the whole day. You need to eat and take a break, Rapha. It can't go on like this," Simon finally voiced his concerns with a sterner voice and he needed his lover to snap out of it but instead, the other snapped _at_ him by almost hissing his name when Simon reached out to close the book in front of his boyfriend.

"Stop it. I will stop when I'm done and I said I'm not hungry!" Raphael said gruffly, making a shooing gesture while flipping the book open again. Simon felt his heart throb painfully and he knew he should probably back off because his lover was clearly tired and overworked, causing him to react harsher than he usually would. But he simply couldn't bring himself to just hang back and watch this unfold any longer.

"No, you have really done enough for today and you will spend tomorrow learning anyway so why not stop for today and get some rest so you can focus better tomorrow?" Simon suggested softly and reached out for his lover's shoulder now, his eyes widening when Raphael pushed his hand away, denying the touch with a shake of his head.

"It's just a little bit more and I'm done for today, Simon. Don't you have your essay to write?"

Simon pressed his lips into a thin line and took a deep breath through his nose, not wanting this situation to turn into an unnecessary fight. He watched Raphael rearrange his things with a frown and reached out for the second chair this time, pulling is closer and sitting down next to the younger boy.

"Come on, you have spent three weeks with working, school and learning now. You're tired and stressed out. Please take a break, eat something and get proper rest, baby. I'm worried about you," he pleaded softly but resisted the urge to reach out for the other's hand because he was suddenly insecure if he would be pushed away again. It was like he hadn't even touched Raphael in days because they mostly were close at night but being in each other's arms to sleep wasn't the same as cuddling and sharing kisses. It was ridiculous that he missed Raphael when he was right here in front of him but it felt like all the building stress was drawing a wall up between them and it was starting to become a little scary.

"Yeah, well, what did you think was going to happen when I start this? Of course, I would be occupied. It's a lot of work and I don't want to fail it, that would be a waste of time," Raphael almost snapped and Simon tried his best to not take this reaction personally. The other was stressed out, it wasn't directed at him but the situation in general. It was the fatigue and frustration speaking rather than Raphael.

"And you won't fail. Come on, stop it for today and get a good nights sleep. I can help you with the stuff tomorrow if you like? Or we could try to work out a better schedule so you have a little more time outside of work and school again?" Simon offered with a tentative smile, his fingers itching with the need to reach out and touch the other. It was weird to not give in to the urge but Simon didn't want to be brushed off again and therefore kept himself from trying to seek contact again for now.

"I don't need help and I could just finish with this if you would leave me alone," Raphael grumbled and Simon tried to ignore the pain in his chest at how annoyed the other sounded. _He's frustrated because of the stress and not because of me_ , Simon told himself and he knew it was true but it didn't make the other's reaction any less painful.

"I don't want to leave you alone. I'm _worried_ , Rapha. You're exhausted and should really take a break. I know this is important to you but you can't keep this up. I just want you to take care of yourself or let me take care of you, _please_." Simon felt a little more desperate than probably warranted but they had never fought before and it was a horribly unsettling feeling to not reach his lover. Raphael had his grumpy moods every once in a while but he never directed those at Simon, he had always been so sweet and gentle. When he had been stressed from work he had rather curled up in Simon's arms to forget about the stuff bothering him instead of pushing his boyfriend away.

"I miss you," he added silently and it felt like dumb thing to say when they saw each other every day when they were just sitting next to each other and he simply needed to reach out for his lover.

"You were the one who convinced me to do this."

He knew Raphael hadn't meant to say these words from the way the other's body tensed and eyes widened but Simon curled his fingers into fists in reaction to the pain this statement caused in his chest, wrapping around his heart like it wanted to suffocate him. Breathing seemed to become a little bit harder and he had to bite his bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

"Simon, I--" Raphael tried and paused, now sounding more pained than frustrated and Simon wished for his lover to just reach out and pull him into a hug, to apologise and make this stupid little fight stop.

The mumbled "I should really take a break and probably get some air" wasn't the words he had hoped for and Simon felt his whole body tense when Raphael got up, almost fleeing the scene. He listened to the sounds from the hallway, the rustling of a jacket and finally the clicking of the door when it fell shut. The silence felt painful to his ears and Simon's view was blurring more and more, until the first tear fell down on his fisted hand in his lap, quickly followed by more.

He told himself that Raphael only left to sort out his thoughts and calm down because he didn't want this to escalate further but he still felt so horribly lost and alone all of a sudden. All Simon wanted and needed right now was his lover by his side, to tell him he was sorry and wrap him up in one of his hugs that always made everything feel okay again.

 _But what if it_ is _your fault and you pushed him into doing this_ , his mind supplied and Simon was unable to hold back a small sob, curling in on himself on the chair and pulling his legs to his chest, arms wrapped around them to bury his face in the crook of his elbow while more and more tears trickled down his cheeks.

They had been together for almost a whole year now and never had one fight. Simon had known it would happen sooner or later because no relationship was free of stupid fights but it had still taken him by surprise because it had felt like they might actually be a couple incapable of fighting. Of course, that was a rather naive thought but it had felt true. But now here he was, sobbing in his small kitchen and listening to the sound of silence while his lover was out there in the middle of the night because maybe Simon had pushed him into doing something he maybe hadn't actually wanted.

He wasn't even angry and certainly not at Raphael, he was disappointed with himself for probably causing this. For convincing Raphael to go to school again and for being unable to help properly.

It was almost one hour later when he managed to get a grip on himself, only to start crying again when he received Magnus's text informing him that Raphael was at his place, surely to keep him from worrying but it also caused the pain in his chest to flare up again because it meant his boyfriend didn't want to be with him right now and the thought was simply heartbreaking.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, since I got the chapter done, here we are already with the second part :)

Raphael woke up from his doze to the sound of a cup being placed on the coffee table next to the couch he had passed out on. He was surprised he had even been able to kind of sleep, though it couldn't have been much and his throbbing headache was clearly trying to prove this point.

"Hey, sleepyhead. Well, I suppose you didn't really sleep, huh?" Magnus's soft voice pulled him further back to reality and Raphael curled up a little more, ignoring the way the couch dipped and the feeling of long fingers gently burying in his chaotic locks. Magnus caressed his head softly, humming a calming tune while the sound of Alec in the kitchen carried over into the living room.

"I doubt you will finally tell me what exactly happened but I'm sure it can't be that bad. I didn't even know it could be possible for you two to be anything but lovey-dovey," Magnus said with a slightly playful tone but the worry was still very clear in his voice and Raphael only felt worse for pulling his best friend into this as well. He never meant to worry anyone and now here he was, hiding in Magnus's and Alec's apartment after a fight with his boyfriend. It hadn't even been a real fight - Simon had simply tried to talk sense into him and he had acted like a complete asshole because of the exhaustion.

The words had simply tumbled out of his mouth without his permission and Raphael had wanted to take them back but his throat had closed up with the realisation of having hurt the boy he loved with his stupidity. He never wanted to hurt Simon or treat him like less than he deserved - and his boyfriend certainly deserved the world and so much more. It was painful to think that he had managed to hurt this beautiful boy and he had been too ashamed to just talk about it, instead had left the apartment to run around aimlessly for a while until he had ended up at Magnus's door.

Alec had been fine with him staying and Raphael was thankful for the hospitality while part of him had hoped to be kicked out again so he had to go back to his own home, to Simon, and make it alright again. Now, after staying away for the whole night, it would be even harder to face his lover again. He was such a damn coward.

"I messaged Simon last night and told him you're here," Magnus mentioned softly, his fingers still brushing through the curly mess that was Raphael's hair but he jerked his hand back in surprise when the younger boy suddenly sat up, staring at him with wide eyes and a curse on his lips.

"Fuck. I'm such a fucking asshole," Raphael breathed and his words sounded a little choked, red-rimmed eyes glistening suspiciously. Magnus was a little taken aback by this sight - he had never seen his best friend like this but it was still not too surprising that the first fight with Simon would take such a toll on him. It was still weird to hear Raphael curse like this because it was something he usually didn't do. He had four younger brothers and always chose his words carefully.

"Don't worry, darling. You were a mess, still are, so it's only logical for you to forget. Don't beat yourself up about it. How about breakfast and maybe you want to talk afterwards?" He suggested with a kind smile, fingers curling around Raphael's lower arm for comfort and he felt the younger boy lean into the contact, seeking the warmth and soothing feeling of another person.

"Not hungry," Raphael mumbled before kicking off the thin blanket his best friend had draped over him the night before. His legs felt stiff after spending the whole night in his rather tight jeans and his neck, shoulders weren't much better after lying in an uncomfortable position and a lot of tossing and turning during the mostly sleepless night.

"Come on, you should--"

"What I should do is go home," Raphael interrupted and his voice was rough, slightly shaky, but Magnus chose to ignore it. He knew his best friend wouldn't appreciate it if Magnus made a fuss over him so he held back the urge to pull the other into a hug or at least stroke his head again.

"Are you sure? You could at least stay until we had breakfast and I can drive you home," Magnus offered gently but, as expected, Raphael only shook his head no. He knew there was no way to convince his best friend to stay and Magnus sighed deeply, followed when the other got up from the couch to finally pull him into a loose hug.

"I'm sure everything will turn out alright," he murmured into Raphael's hair before pressing a kiss on top of the shorter male's head. Raphael only mumbled something incoherent but he leant into the touch, straightening his rumpled clothes a little when Magnus's arms had let go of him again.

"Thanks for letting me stay. Tell Alec as well," Raphael said with an almost tentative glance up at Magnus who simply made a dismissive gesture and smiled at him gently.

"No worries. That's what friends are for and you're always welcome here, darling. Just because I'm living with Alec now doesn't mean I'm not there for you whenever you need me, you know that. And now, go make up with your boy so I don't have to see this sad face anymore, it really doesn't suit you to look like someone kicked your puppy." Magnus grinned playfully and made a shooing motion, watching Raphael shuffle out of the living room and listened to him put on shoes and jacket before leaving.

"Is he okay?" Alec asked from the doorway, leaning against the frame with his hair still mussed up from sleep and dressed in nothing but loose sweatpants. Magnus sighed but his lips still curled into a loving smile, eying his lover appreciatively.

"He will be," he answered while stepping closer to his boyfriend to pull him into a sweet good-morning-kiss. Magnus couldn't quite shake the worry about Raphael but he knew his best friend would be fine - there was no way he and Simon wouldn't get past their first fight - but he decided not to dwell on in and instead focus on the gorgeous specimen in front of him.

* * *

Raphael inwardly cursed his shaky fingers when he unlocked the front door and took another deep breath before pushing the door open, heart leaping into his throat with its frantic beat kicking up even more. He felt a little nauseous and it had less to do with the fact that he probably should eat something soon and more with the irrational fear of facing his boyfriend. It was Sunday and closing in on noon so he expected his lover to be home and up already but the apartment was eerily quiet. Raphael's first thought was that the other had probably left to visit Clary or maybe his family.

He felt even worse now, realising that he had bailed on Simon and left the other by himself while he had his best friend around. It had been a shitty thing to do and Raphael felt worse with every second he thought about his stupid, emotional reaction.

Raphael kicked off his shoes with a sigh and slipped his jacket off his shoulders, feeling the silence weighing him down but not having the energy to just leave again. He would just wait for Simon's return, maybe try to eat something in the meantime.

When he stepped into the living area to head to the kitchen unit, his gaze immediately fell on the messy bed and the quite human sized blanket pile on it. His heart rate spiked immediately with the realisation that Simon was home and he swallowed the lump building in his throat and stepped closer with a soft "Simon?" leaving his suddenly dry mouth. Of course, it was Simon. He said his lover's name rather to give the other a warning of his presence in case he hadn't noticed already than to question who was currently occupying their bed.

His heart clenched almost painfully when the blanket pile that hid his boyfriend moved but only to curl up even more as if trying to take up as little space as possible. _He had fucked up big time_.

"I'm...I'm sorry," Raphael mumbled while cautiously stepping closer until he reached the bed, hesitant if it was okay to sit down or even reach out to the other. He hadn't meant for this to happen.

"I didn't mean to snap at you and I'm sorry I just left...I didn't think," he added and barely kept his voice from breaking because he could imagine how Simon had wrapped himself up like this last night, maybe after receiving Magnus's message and knowing Raphael wouldn't come home, and simply staying like this for hours.

"Si...baby..." His voice did break a little now and Raphael carefully slid onto the corner of the bed, keeping some distance for now because he didn't quite know how to approach his unresponsive lover. Simon was clearly awake judging by the way he had tensed and curled up even further. The only verbal response Raphael got was just a muffled little sob that immediately broke his heart into a million pieces. _This was his fault_.

Raphael took a shaky breath, trying to hold back his own tears while finally lying down next to the pile of blankets, carefully resting a hand against the part where he assumed Simon's head to be. Even through the blanket he could feel the other body shake and it took everything he got to hold himself back from just wrapping his arms around Simon.

"I thought I could manage work and school but you're right, it was too much and I'm so sorry I hurt you," he rasped and tentatively curled his fingers into the blanket, tugging at it and successfully freeing the chaos that was Simon's unruly mop of hair, followed by the other's face that was covered with his hands.

"I'm sorry I left without an apology. I felt so bad for what I said and...and ashamed as well. I didn't want to accidentally say more hurtful things and thought it was better to leave," he explained murmuring, pushing his fingers through the slightly damp curls of his lover's hair. Simon took a shaky breath, followed by another badly suppressed sob and he only shook his head, clearly not able to form any words in return.

"I have no idea how to make it up to you and you have every right to be mad at me now but...would it be okay to hug you?" Raphael's view was already blurring as well and he felt incredibly awful for causing his boyfriend to cry like this. Simon's nod was barely there but Raphael still caught it and immediately reacted, wrapping his arms around the bundle of blankets and body to pull his boyfriend as close as humanly possible.

"I'm so sorry for hurting you," he repeated again, followed by a whisper of "Deja de llora por favor" when he buried his face in Simon's hair, ironically losing his own battle against the tears that were now starting to spill from the corners of his eyes.

Simon's barely audible "'m sorry" that was muffled by Raphael's shirt only broke his frantically beating heart further.

"No. No, no. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, mi corazón," he replied almost a little panicked and Raphael knew this was all on him, Simon had done nothing that he needed to be sorry for. He had only tried to get him to take a break and to take care of him, there had been nothing wrong about it. What had been wrong was Raphael's dismissive reaction and snapping at the boy who cared about him.

" _I'm_ sorry because I'm the one who fucked up. You didn't do anything wrong, baby," he repeated firmly and ignored the way some of the words cracked a little due to the tears he still hadn't been able to stop. Simon's breath hitched around another broken sob and he somehow freed himself from the blanket he was tightly wrapped in and Raphael moved a little to help his lover until the material was out of the way and he could pull Simon properly into his arms.

"I missed you," Simon mumbled, his voice still thick with emotions and from the tears still streaking his cheeks. Now that Raphael had a chance to look at his boyfriend's face he could see the other's eyes were red and puffy, not just from crying right now but he must have shed quite a few more tears during the past hours. It was horribly painful to think that Simon had spent the night curled up all alone in their bed, crying because Raphael had been such a complete idiot.

"I missed you too, love," he replied softly and brushed his lips against the other's forehead, burying his nose in Simon's fluffy hair. "I can't say enough how very sorry I am about all of this. I promise I will never just walk out like this again."

Simon sniffled and pressed his face against the other's neck. Raphael felt the wetness of his boyfriend's tears against his skin and one of them trickled down to the hem of his shirt, leaving goosebumps on its way. He was so incredibly glad to have his lover back in his arms, that Simon allowed him to comfort him even though he had every right to push Raphael away after how he'd acted the night before.

"I love you, Simon. So, so much and I promise to try and change my schedule from now on so this hopefully won't happen again. I would be happy if your offer to help me still stands? I'm apparently pretty crap at managing such things..."

"Love you too and 'course I'll help you, Rapha," Simon replied with a small voice and Raphael pulled him even closer, reached for the blanket to pull it over both of them and snuggle up with his lover. His heart was still beating fast but it was a slightly less frantic rhythm and Simon reciprocating his love confession lightened at least a little bit of the guilt he was still feeling about everything that happened.

"I'm so glad you're back," Simon added and squeezed his eyes shut when Raphael's hands cupped his face to brush away the remaining wetness of his tears, gently brushing over his long lashes and the blotchy red skin of his pale cheeks. This boy, Raphael knew with certainty, was the love of his life and he swore to himself to never hurt Simon again.

Of course, you couldn't always avoid hurting the people around you and the ones you love, but he was determined to try his best and to at least deal better in situations where it did happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Deja de llora por favor_ \- Stop crying please  
>  _Mi corazón_ \- My heart

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, wow, a tiny bit of drama. It was illogical for them to never fight but this was honestly the only way I could imagine to get them to such a point and it's not even a real fight.


End file.
